in the pine.

bowl.

2011-04-05T19:36:00.003-04:00

been on a search for my camera. to take pictures of the new space i call home. which surprisingly feels like home for the first time since i moved here. i was making egg salad the other night. late. and it felt like my parents were asleep and this was a house that i grew up in. i feel so much love between these walls. having only had two previous families live here before us in the past 40 years. you can feel how much they loved this space. and it is resonating within me and i like it. a lot. it feels good to be back in west asheville. spent the day walking to everything i needed yesterday. it was 81 degrees. and full sun. which is obvious from the red splotches that now reside on my chest and neck. it was beautiful. i have definitely figured out that my emotions change with the seasons. or maybe just the sun. my older self is craving heat. and sometimes rain. but sunny spring heat is really working for me. speaking of working. i am working on a lot. writing a ton. reading again. and drinking tea. walking my dog. cuddling with my cat. and sharing some hands. i am doing okay. and that feels truthful to say. not great. i guess. but im okay with okay.

working on my intention. every morning. and every time those voices creep in when i am tired. which is a lot. i am living with a woman that i am really starting to adore. a new friendship. a playful spirit. its working out lovely. and i think that we are living together for a reason. feels purposeful. and calm.

39.

2011-03-30T10:23:00.002-04:00

i have a new address. again. this is the fifth one. since ive moved here. maybe sixth. technically. i find myself in intense moments of transition. transition from a place i called home. places i have called home. people i have called home. meals i have called home. doorknobs that entered me into worlds lacking truth. lacking a true sense of belonging. i have a new door now. it sits on a seedy street a block from my studio. flushes up to the interstate. if you close your eyes it sounds like the ocean. i have a roommate. first time i have had a neutral body in my home in five years. feels good. to have the freedom to get to know someone. myself included. having a room is great. filled with my things. from people i love. and places i have been. its so nice to not see anyone else in my space. it has been a long time for that too. the sound of my animals on the hardwood floors. coming in to say good morning. berlin finding new perches. new corners to hid in. new places to jump out from and bite me. baxter can reach the lowset windows. its perfect here. feels good to land. as pamela would say. to settle in. feels right. feels spacious. i cant wait for spring. to use the porch.

manifestation works. try it sometime. its fucking beautiful.

?

2011-03-22T00:20:00.002-04:00

different day. she asks me to leave. i leave. its not the way they wanted. they didnt want to extend this arm. or the lack there of. there are no true hands involved. there are just hands that imitate and kind of look like similar fingers. and palms. but they arent. shes never seen them. the dog sits in the car. the front seat. the drivers seat. confused. the cat runs outside. with a limp. everyone is packing up. leaving the house that once housed love. intimate moments. and you are not there. i thought we were going to do this together.

---

2011-03-09T15:21:00.002-05:00

the lower dens will get me through this. through this time of confusion. comtemplation. this is the only songs that i feel relate. or soothe. or make me calm. or sad. or anything. maybe its the only thing i feel something towards at this moment. have to go in the rain soon. have spent the day sleeping. writing. organizing. watching the water rush down the street outside. she joined me on the sofa today. gentle moments with the past. gentle breaths of the future.

can you listen to an album too much.
will this time always be associated with these chords.
i dont want to taint them.
i want them to carry their value onto the next situation. the next decision. the next change.

i love you.

gma.

2011-02-13T13:32:00.003-05:00

will she remember me. will my face look familiar to you. will you know who i am. what color my hair is. will you remember baking with me. sharing the tricks of folding. or how to pinch a pie crust. i want you to remember. i want to lay my head in your lap again and have you touch my head. or hit my butt when i get up to walk away. i want to hear the sound of you laughing. maybe we can walk together. look at the birds. get some sunshine.

i havent seen you in a long time it feels like. not since your apartment you were moved into. your husband died. and you died with him. your body is still here. but your mind is dancing in between.

sweet cherry grandma.

eye.

2011-02-08T14:48:00.002-05:00

what do you do in moments within the boiling point. the point between boiling over. some kind of limbo really. where you could react. simmer. or just turn the eye off. part of you wants to scold. me the burn that kills the tastebuds. that they feel for days after when they go to eat. or sip some tea. there is a moment consciously where you want to be this heat. you feel this heat. but you know your truth is not this heat. its from something that burnt you a long time ago. something they have never tasted. or was never a part of. only you know the taste. and it sucks. it tastes sour. old. needs to be thrown out. can you throw out something alone. should you throw out something alone. or is it possible to work through this in the presence of someone else. i always find myself writing this question. going back to this question. questioning this question. guess i havent found an answer..

its so cold outside. im cold inside. in a place of complaint. irritation. stovetops. i ate soup on my way here. and burnt my tongue. guess im just mad about that.

not being able to find the right temperature.
in many aspects of this functioning and not functioning life.

the right temperature. what does that feel like. where does that exist. what town. what person. people. setting. who what where.

i think i need it warmer. inside and out. maybe ill just take a shower in the mean time. and stop staring at the person across from me. wash it away. this day of indecisiveness. indecision. and lack of voice. its winter anna says. its just winter...

i hope shes right.

bold.

2011-02-04T16:52:00.002-05:00

just got off the phone with another person that is helping me on this journey towards my vision. what i want for this community. what i want for this town. for the mommas. the bellies of the intolerant. paris and i have spent more time over caffeinated and bouncing ideas off each other than working on the store. but we've done that too. i have noticed that her young vibrancy is really valuable to me at this point in my life. when i feel mine fading i know she will be there to look at me and expect me to leave that behind. she believes that i still embody it. so i do. i trust her with the way she sees me. this studio has become more and more important to me over the past months. a space where i dont have to be anything but creative. i want to make it more cozy. more put together. more editorial. thats the fun of having a space no one else can put their shit in. its great. i think im over caffeinated now...

i have spent the week thinking about a lot of things. things as in living spaces. places. projects. loves. people that dont live here. that i wish did. lauren moving in with her love. nikkis babies growing and wanting to be there for every inch. the gift i still havent mailed her that is sitting in the back of my car. everyday. my lack of exercise. my increase in headaches and metal confusion. my lack of yoga. and mindfullness. the fact that i love my therapist. and she is giving mavis and i so much hope. my animals. and how i have turned into a cat person. i love berlin. the people i can find on the internet that have done projects that inspire me. finding their numbers and talking to them on the phone. awkwardly. its been a full week. it feels like i wake up at 7 in the evening. though ive really been up since 6. im tired. im inspired. im robotic.

i need a change...
and im working on it. for the first time ever. spending my evenings with my notebook and computer. researching. writing. researching. writing. then i try to sleep. but the ideas are seeping into that part of my processing as well. having crazy dreams. of ending. of whales. of babies. of old friends. and new ones. that i dont even know.

so distracted.
all i can hear is rain. baxter licking his paws. and sonny and the sunsets. its a good day. i have to go find valentine tights now. see you. suckers.

in the end.

2011-01-26T15:51:00.002-05:00

is it true that true love will find you in the end. sitting in the warmth of my favorite coffee shop in town. there is snow blowing everywhere outside. no accumulations. just dust. its cold. and it is a time for true love. no matter if it is the end or not. we have been working so hard. so many days. and now so many years. we have stepped out and seeked help. and help is helping. a lot.

this week.

2011-01-10T20:25:00.002-05:00

my friend kreh is headed to portland or for a residency. she will be so missed for the months that she is away.

another friends birthday party this week. lots of baking was done in three days. lots.

we had to move out of our apartment this week also. a gas leak. a negligent landlord. we needed the change. and it was a good move. we'll miss the space. the wood.

berlin. growing up.

butterflies.

2011-01-10T20:18:00.002-05:00

my dad bought a piece of land. in canton nc. 40 minutes from us. from his kids. its beautiful. quiet. raw. and not developed. this bridge takes you to it. we snuck in before christmas and i took photographs. with the snow. so he could see what it looks like in this season. no date on moving yet. but we cant wait to welcome them.

overdue.

2010-12-16T13:40:00.000-05:00

so it has been almost two weeks now since i have been back east from a small trip to the pacific northwest. m and i went for 10 days. probably my only big vacation this year. had to slip it in before 2011. we started in seattle. took a bus to vancouver. and a train to portland. then back to seattle. it was what we wanted. calm. adventurous. a little stressful. bundled. laughable. and quaint. we were in the three cleanest and hospitable cities i have ever been. canada was lovely. my first time crossing that border. we made friends. we made peanut butter jelly sandwiches. and we got some love back.

start from the end.
portland.wa.
we decided to travel to portland with one minute left to decide. we didnt even have time to ask our last question. the train was going and we had to catch it. so we did. we didnt have anywhere to stay in seattle so we went to see max. my friend of 20 years now. it was the best decision. i felt at home. the most pleasant familiar face. i was needing a piece of home. a voice that i knew. i felt safe. and warm. in his space. he is working so hard at law school. and i felt privileged to get to cook him a hearty meal. and share stories and laughs about old times. he has grown into a beautiful man. and portland is lucky to have him. i felt so good in portland. the buildings were lower than what we had seen in the other cities. public transit was a bit slower. the town felt smaller. it was comfortable. we only had a day here really. so we spend it walking. taking air trains. buses. to the cool parts of town. to gluten free bakeries. i met up with another old friend from high school. tami. i hadnt seen her since we were much younger. we were friends in high school. but not great ones. it wasnt our time. is what we decided. we were both distracted with boyfriends. and what to wear. or how to escape the lives that we were both in. it was a hard time for both of us. and we fleeted from school. not really knowing what was ever behind each others doors. but now i do. i know her. and i got to hear her experience. and it was beautiful. reconnecting or connecting for the first time. i went to her yoga class the morning i was leaving and she guided me through my practice. she taught with such grace. confidence. and warmth. i loved every minute of it. and it feels special to know her. what a lovely city. i cant wait to go back to visit kreh. that town will love her. i cant wait to see her shine brighter.

vancouver.bc.
ah canada! the most helpful city. "what are you looking for?" "can i help you find the right bus?" geez. so many offers of kindness. so clean. such great transit. wet. cold. this portion of the trip was a little hard for me. it was the middle of our 10 days. and i felt myself starting to purge to stress that i carry around on a daily basis. here. at home. it was leaving me. and it was leaving me exhausted. so tired. i was overstimulated. and needed a rest. we had 12 hour walking days around town. granville island. emily carr university. gastown. oh! gastown. we had the most lovely dinner. i think that i might have had in years. it was in a place called six acres. and it was the cutest design sponge shit i have ever seen. the menus were in old book covers. the tables were lit with petite candles. exposed brick. trinkets. mirrors. lovely waitstaff. great music. it was small. warm. perfect. the rain was coming down outside. the most romantic dinner weve had together. (in my opinion). it was a small haven from the outside and my internal battles. and my first real meal in days. why doesnt everyone live here?

seattle.wa.
seattle was really all about this marathon. mavis ran. mavis ran fast. and did so amazing. perfect 10 minute miles. i was so proud. humble. and emotional. about all of it. the training she had done for months. to prepare for this moment. the moment of finishing. the moment of starting. it was such a big deal. we make goals every year for ourselves. not resolutions. not things that we wont do. but goals. things that we strive towards. and running a marathon was hers. and i was so impressed. it was also awesome meeting and staying with two of her old friends. they were both so sweet. and it was nice having a home there. thank you. i like seattle. a lot. and i was happy for mavis to finally see it. we ate at my favorite restaurant. the flying apron. gf/df spot. baked goods. curry pockets. soup. we ate it all. and took some pastries to go. i feel comfortable in seattle. like i know my way around. may be the only city where i feel like that.

it was magical.
it was grand.
it was too short.

hm.

2010-12-13T14:24:00.000-05:00

i am having internal struggles that no one else around me is having. why am i the only one that seems to be feeling these things.

or why do i always think i am the only one.

my head feels like winter. the weight of the cold. the dreariness of the fog. the grey of the skies. i feel this. today. after i drank the coffee. i felt irritation begin. i felt the space become smaller. tighter. the people became larger. the voices louder. and i sank. into this place. of wint er. i want the cold to shock me. out of this being. into the sun that melts the snow. the drip of the ice that is melting away. melt away. melt away. and take all this winter away. but leave the snow. its white. and white is clean. and fresh.

i am in a hole again.
that i cannot get out of.

until tomorrow. the impermanence of the seasons in our mind. they are always changing. and i will change tomorrow. or maybe after i watch twilight.

seberg.

2010-11-16T13:52:00.000-05:00

first.

2010-11-15T08:06:00.001-05:00

How do we fix the cracked walls that have been constructed? A good carpenter? Do we need a new roof? Do we have a roof? Is that what this is missing? I am going to exercise first today. I miss out on it everyday. So im starting with it today. I need to get better. Clearer. Its time for me to return home and seek shelter within myself. I want to sweat all.this judgement. All this worry. Before I have today. It has to start again. They wont stay if I can't let go.

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lee.

2010-11-01T19:05:00.005-04:00

no matter what the challenges we face ahead. no matter how difficult something may look to the eye. there is love at the ground level. there is this simple thing that we can always come home too. i little hand. 10 fingers and toes. and a piece of history. that is hers. bryan lee looked at me. and i felt a softness happen beneath my skin. why do we make things so confusing. or so difficult. why must we take away the simplest layer. the heaviest. warmest layer. this quilt that we are born wrapped in. we shed this blanket at some point. and harden to the environment around us. hold a baby. and he will wrap you back in this quilt. back to your original skin.

kaar.

2010-10-27T11:54:00.003-04:00

i had the privilege of witnessing another birth two weeks ago. shit. maybe three? he's already a different man than the one i met that Monday. this birth was special to me. for obvious reasons. but for one in particular...

when i first started researching becoming a doula i found a training that was happening here. in april. i was working one day and my friend anna had a friend sabrina that came in to eat breakfast. i looked at anna talk with sabrina and her husband caine. anna screams with delight when she finds out that sabrina is pregnant. i look at this couple. these new soon-to-be parents. and they are so in love. the way he looks at her. she at him. and i feel an overwhelming want to be there doula. but i didnt know them. and they didnt know me. so i went to the doula training. and the only person i thought of was sabrina. i left the training. wrote her a letter. we met. became instant friends. and i became her and caine's doula. i went from not know these beautiful people. to knowing. respecting. and basking in the beauty of this new family.

i have witnessed a woman melt perfectly into the role of a mother.
she is graceful. peaceful. and so in love.

thank you. you three. for having me there.
this is strummer jackson.

boucherouite.

2010-10-17T01:07:00.000-04:00

lm.

2010-10-07T22:45:00.002-04:00

the window has closed behind my back. and to the side of me. i reach for my sweatshirt. the fleece one. that i bought a several months ago just for this moment. my legs are cold. the hair growing back slowly. he curls up in my lap. he is becoming sweeter as the air is getting colder. needs my warmth just as much as i need his. we are each other source. natural resources. can't beat it. or put a price on it. this time of year.

went camping the other night. i hate to admit this. but it was my first time really camping. backpacking. hiking in. not seeting anyone out. i woke up the morning after and unzipped the tent. watched mavis go pee and get our food bag that was hanging away from the site. i layed my head in my arms. hiding my nose from the early morning. it was cold. i think my nose was red. i looked up. watching the trees. the blue sky peeking through the branches. for a moment i dont want to ever sleep in a bed again. this is the way i should wake up. quiet. appreciative. and bundled. mavis is walking back and she smiled at me. i smile back. its morning. and it was perfect.

my nose is stuffy. my toes are cold. and i have to pee.
you deserve it all L. you are a beautiful. inspiring woman. and i cannot wait to have you in my home. and your marisa.

apple muffin.

2010-09-27T21:46:00.002-04:00

the window is open behind my back. i can't feel the rain splashing in on the sill but i can hear it loudly. almost interrupting this sentence. and the way i wanted to write it.

this is the season we are moving into.

19 going on 33.

2010-09-25T23:41:00.002-04:00

19 years old. going strong. i am so in love with this woman. that you are. that you are becoming. that you always have been.

lena burrito.

2010-09-25T23:30:00.003-04:00

seeing a baby being born is teaching me a new lesson every time. this is only my second. and i cant imagine the book of knowledge i will have in a couple years. but this birth brought a simple lesson to me. to my face. to my eyes.

i look at life for the first time. i have worked hard and am working hard at making this a regular thing for me. a career one might say. but a calling is what it feels like. and maybe im being called so i can feel these simple reminders of life. of aliveness. of courage.

or maybe ive been called so that i can deliver. a message. not a baby. or both perhaps.
but as i look at this new baby. this new life. she carries no anxiety. no self-doubt. no judgement about me. or the nurse. or her mother. she holds nothing. but life. a strong heart. and a clear vision. she has taught me that she is Being. that i have chosen to be in an environment where i get to witness Being. and that i need to remember that we are all this Being at our core. we were all born just as she was. with nothing. but yet we hold everything. if we go inside. to the oldest place we know. to the first Birth-day. we are this Being of lightness. of clarity. and its beautiful.

so thank you Lena Rose. for coming into this world. and for teaching me this small lesson.
i love being a doula.

pisgah.

2010-09-25T23:17:00.005-04:00

i woke to the sight of her morning eyes. awake. she looked as though she had been up for a few minutes. maybe a little longer. i felt her shuffling in bed. rolling over towards me. her breath felt closer. i open my eyes. not as awake as hers. its five in the morning. she says. quietly. not to wake the sleeping b's. why are you awake. i say. just as quiet. want to go on a sunrise hike. she asks. i do not respond. thinking of the extra hours of sleep that i could take. that i need. that i want.
yes. i respond. she smiles the first smile of the early morning. maybe the first of the day in this town. we hike. we hold hands. and i forget about the sleep i needed.

fall baking.

2010-09-25T23:13:00.001-04:00

carrot cake cupcakes. cream cheese frosting. crushed walnuts. carrot hearts.

finally.

2010-09-17T15:57:00.001-04:00

fall is here.

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woe.

2010-09-04T16:34:00.001-04:00

you can blog from your phone. so i can blog from the toilet.

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h.

2010-09-03T20:43:00.000-04:00

my summer. fall. winter. and spring.
m.

ah

2010-08-24T17:49:00.002-04:00

hi. world of words.
been so consumed with childbirth the past couple weeks. no births. just planning of them. working with clients. finding new clients. trying to network. going to meeting with incredible midwives. really trying to move forward. and outward. stand with confidence in the truth of what i am becoming. its exciting. and intimidating. and taking up more time mentally than i ever thought. i was told that a lot of doulas drop out after the training because they realize its more time than they thought. and it is. if im not working with a client. im researching things for clients. if im not youtubing waterbirth im researching about hypnotherapy and childbirth. its constant. i want to stay up to date with my knowledge. and i want to learn all the techniques i can. so woman can have their babies naturally. my belief in my body is continuously growing. i love working with women. and i love being a woman. fuck yea!

and..

we are back in our apartment! after six weeks of moving the family around. our transient life style has come to an end. for the time being. berlin has finally met his real home. and baxter can once again rest peacefully in his gentlemens bed. as for mavis and i. we are back to laying in our european bed. reading each other to sleep. so nice to be home. i have a big thank you night in the makes for everyone that helped us. directly. and indirectly. ill keep you posted. but jess. anna. and elliot. i couldnt have done this without you. we couldnt have. your homes were our home. and we are so grateful.

gotta go to childbirth class now. (told you)

patrick.

2010-08-09T17:14:00.002-04:00

moving in the way of manifesting. focusing on getting the pieces back together. the complete puzzle. i think i may have found a few missing links. under the sofa cushions. that the cat shuffled under there. i want to believe that i can still see that way. the way of fullness. i have been studying the gaps. the holes. the dark areas. without taking time practicing wholeness. in between cleaning. and getting bitten by berlin. its time to keep moving. but i wanted to say hi. and that we are all doing okay. im talking to you.

t.

2010-08-04T01:11:00.001-04:00

u.

2010-08-04T00:59:00.003-04:00

berlin is at my feet. images are on my screen. and im tired. filled with sleep. i felt inspired again today. ive been taking more pictures. its helping. documenting.

no-name.

2010-07-21T23:14:00.001-04:00

34

2010-07-21T23:06:00.003-04:00

paper mache with the clapps.

the newest portrait. and addition.

perfect.

stand still.

kreh. enough said.

the rainstorm.

home.

asheville fire department.

hi

2010-07-21T23:00:00.002-04:00

i think i asked for this. the absence of my home. my car not working. last week. maybe two weeks ago. i told myself i didnt want anything anymore. that i felt too attached to my things again. i think this all stemmed from me wanting an iphone. the question of the fucking year. should i? shouldnt i? i still havent. i got a new radiator and alternator instead. im getting my car to 300,000 miles. it will happen on the way home from richmond. on wednesday of next week. im going home on sunday. to see babies. loves. and family. some people being all three. most of them. mave and i hitting the open highway. the flat round back to richmond. i had my first acupuncture session today. it was the best nap ive ever had. its communal. and low key. relaxing. and a good space for me to not think. i need something to start working. because im not. lately. my anger. fear. walls. all built up again. my feet are wanting to move fast. my head not knowing who to trust. which voice is mine. i need something to bring me back. to her. to me. to us. i wont last without something. to accomplish this. this impossible task at times. but i want to believe that this is better than what i was doing. just dealing. and slumping down with it on my back. i have some pictures that i have taken. to show you. ill post them now. and wont be such a stranger.

update.

2010-07-13T18:55:00.002-04:00

so our ceiling in our apartment has to be replaced due to a pipe that busted yesterday afternoon. after about 2 1/2 hours of dumping in our bedroom the fire department got things cleaned up and settled down for us. thank goodness for that free service. damn. we are displaced for an indefinite amount of time. our apartment is declared "dangerous" to live in. so we are in a hotel for now. then making some kind of plan tomorrow morning on where to go next. i talked to my landlord today and they are estimating three weeks. it makes me want to cry. and i did cry. earlier. and it makes me just want to leave town till its fixed. take this time. to get out. if i have to be out of my home. i want to be out of my hometown too. its frustrating. and its stressful. money is really tight. but im with my family. we are all here. and ok. in a king size bed. with ac. and internet. we will figure the rest out. just thought i would update. see ya.

ap.

2010-07-05T15:49:00.003-04:00

would i have wanted the new iphone a year ago? who is this consumer that i have become. i am surrounded by things again. things that i sold almost two years ago in yard sales. things i didnt want to live with. things i didnt want to travel with. things i didnt want to take up space. but now i have new things. new things that symbolize a new start. a new apartment. a new love. i dont want to sell them i just want to walk away from them. i want them to be here when i come back. but i want to travel without them. how can this be my home that i can come back too. is it fair to want this. is this the phrase "having my cake and eating it too." is this what those words feel like. am i being who i wanted to be. am i living the way i wanted to live. i wanted to start a journey of unknown. of adventure. of change. am i living this now. what am i doing. with my time. here. on my new found couch. i think i want an iphone.

n

2010-07-01T17:58:00.002-04:00

there are fresh flowers on my wooden countertop. ball jars are lining my pantry shelves. they are filled with peach jam and peach salsa. some crushed tomatoes. the overhead fan is on and my windows are open. to the sounds of birds. that are feeding. and nesting. everything is in motion. and its summertime.

junction.

2010-06-29T18:34:00.002-04:00

feeling in a familiar place again. sinking into mundane. i felt today the moment of motivation to change something. and when i get this feeling thats usually the end of something. or rather the beginning of something. its time to book a flight. for two tickets. its time to leave for a month. would be nice to have two. i need to leave the familiar for some time. thinking about dirt. and traveling. and photography. those things feel inspiring to me at this moment. in my kitchen. with a high waisted skirt on stained of apple butter and half and half. my sports bra soaked with the complaints from customers. i want to be sticky sweaty from working outside all day. from creating something with my hands. or walking with no car. or plan. its time people. i gotta go. where too though? i guess it doesnt matter. to the post office to get my passport renewed would be stop 1. then back home to make flight reservations. i want to be anywhere where i cant understand people. where i dont know what gluten is. or dairy. or a watch. or cell phone. how can i harbor this feeling and wake up and go to work tomorrow? how do people do this everyday? its hard. and getting harder.

preserving.

2010-06-28T22:32:00.002-04:00

im thinking of starting another blog. dont know if thats a great idea because i have a hard enough time keeping up with this one. i want it to just be about preserving. canning. something that i am hitting hard this summer. my friend anna thompson and i have been fully dedicated to tapping into our southern souls and canning local produce that we find at markets. yes we are half ass. we do not grow the produce. but we want too. one day. what we really want is a piece of land to garden and grow. with a shed on the site that embodies an outside kitchen. with plenty of air coming through because it gets damn hot in the kitchen. its something that im finding to be extremely comforting. i have never seen canning. my family has never canned. but for some reason i cant help but feel like its in my blood somewhere. this old tradition. i feel like a woman. a strong southern smart woman. i love it. and anna and i love each other. ill have pictures to follow.

here.

2010-06-28T22:12:00.002-04:00

did a little camping with the family. my dad is looking for property close to asheville and this is 21 acres in canton nc. it was amazing. and so nice to wake up to dew and fresh air. it was the easy kind of camping. as you can see. and i had my first smore since my diet started. so delicious!

breakfast after the market. love summer for this.

my newest obsession. JUICING!

catching up.

2010-06-28T22:05:00.001-04:00

here he is.

my first day home as a doula. after 32 hours of labor.

e's birthday.

half of movie night.

krum.

doo-lah

2010-06-25T21:47:00.002-04:00

man. where do i start. where have i been. what have i smelled. seen. and touched. been crazy here in the mountains. with summer. with babies. with work. with love. family. everything good. and going as it should. i started my journey as a birth doula in april. i dont think i talked about it much. but i think i should be. because its what i want to do. my path. i should say. i attended my first birth as a doula last week. last tuesday and wednesday. it was long. about 3o hours long. so impressed and amazed by the mother. i couldnt have been more proud. an experience i am having trouble writing about. one that no words seems to be authentic enough. or profound enough. it took me days to come back to reality. maybe longer than that. i found it hard to come home two hours after witnessing someones first breaths. his lungs working. moving his whole body up and down. and i walk into my apartment and expected myself to feel the same. but i couldnt. and i cant. i dont know if its possible. some things seem to fall short now. some things less important than they were before. and some things more important than they were before. humbling. the experience. the tears. the exhaustion. every moment worth it. went and saw mom and baby tonight. hung out with them for a couple hours. got to hold him. the mom of mom looked at me and said "hold him! you helped him come into this world! hold him!" i wanted to cry again. i did do that. and i am so proud of that. an amazing opportunity i have here. in my hands. singing in my veins. i feel guided. back on track. i cant wait for the next one. and the next ones.

paris.

2010-05-29T01:06:00.000-04:00

this week.

2010-05-29T01:01:00.001-04:00

honored.

swimming. then...

cake on his birthday.

bromance.

homemade rocky road ice cream with coconut milk.

only thing.

2010-05-27T00:01:00.002-04:00

why do i talk about the same thing for years. the things i want to be doing. the instruments i want to play. the voice i want you to hear. im in a place of frustration that im still calling you and you are still listening to me complain that im not you. that i cant do the things that i want. you tell me to do them. to put my words to paper. or into strings. and play. listen to what comes out. im intimidated. fearful. and hiding. in a weird place. sorry.

this is the only thing in front of me. to put this down on.

austin texas.

2010-05-21T18:16:00.004-04:00

bacon molasses bread.

dinner for seven. first course. gazpacho.

stuffed acorn squash. second.

mexican chocolate cupcakes with cinnamon icing. third.

lauren.

her ladies.

the sketches.

the final decision.

so far.

2010-05-21T18:10:00.002-04:00

40 bucks. much needed. before.

after.

summer swims.

kaki king.

one of my summer projects. kombucha.

austin tx.

2010-05-16T11:23:00.003-04:00

flew into austin. yesterday. only here till tuesday. a little get away to the middle of the country. visiting lauren. a soul sister of mine. love being in her presence again. feels good to reflect on life back in the mountains. makes me value it more. and more. every time i step foot off the trail. last night i met her sweet friends. some of them. sounds like she has a lot. but they constructed a riding bull out of a rain barrel. tied up to three trees. in the backyard. atleast nine feet off the ground. wish i had taken a picture. forgot to. was having too much fun. ate a hotdog. which i havent done in years. its comforting to be staying with someone with the same diet. doesnt feel as inconvenient. or accommodating. laying on the sofa bed with two french bulldogs between my legs. what sweet ladies all around. gonna go bike riding. and take some photographs. later is the renegade craft fair. and chicken shit bingo. miss you love. and b. ill bring you back a souvenir.

p.

2010-05-11T17:14:00.002-04:00

man. time gets the best of me. of you. ive seen my family. ive seen an amazing show. ive tasted the salt water of the atlantic. its been an eventful week. one of traveling. which is a really nice change. going to austin the weekend. for a few days. cant wait to be in a new town. havent been on a plane in a year and a half. cant believe that. i wonder if much has changed. same engines. same coordinating uniforms and white smiles. i want to take some things with me and bury them in the desert. i want to leave them in another town. so i dont have to see them anymore. stories arising. everyday. every night. keeping me from work. keeping me from sleep. keeping me from myself. feeling like im back at point a. after tasting the letter k.

need to study. need help.

fresh.

2010-05-03T12:58:00.001-04:00

ladies.

2010-05-03T12:51:00.001-04:00

process.

2010-05-03T12:47:00.000-04:00

the lakehouse.

2010-05-03T12:43:00.001-04:00

y.

2010-05-03T11:32:00.002-04:00

kale and eggs. coffee with almond milk. do you know how i take my coffee. this might be the first time you have had to ask me. i try to tell you. then the coffee is cold. from milk. you try to explain to me why it got cold. and i respond with sarcasm that i didnt know milk would make the coffee cold. you smile. i smile back. and then we go on moving. i still drink the coffee. yours is hotter than mine. and you like to tell me that it is. time for breakfast.

pictures.

2010-03-30T18:07:00.001-04:00

almond.

2010-03-14T18:58:00.003-04:00

found internet. not in the comfort of my own home. but in the comfort of many other people. and a place that some call home. probably. like the guy beside me. hes practically lying on the floor. grading papers. does he have too many dogs at home. "i just cant get any work done with all you guys." as they wag their tails and push their noses under his cold palms. their heads warm. naturally. baxters head is always warm. so much thinking. its raises the temperature of his skull. maybe. maybe not. im thinking that hes just a dog. and the heat in our apartment finally started working. i think thats it. i havent sat in public in a while. not writing atleast. just drinking. and now im doing both. a smoothie called fuzzy almond. its not that good. peaches with peanut butter. id rather have just one or the other. preferably peaches i think. at this moment.

feeling the tease of spring. the sun coming in and out. my mood hiding with it behind the clouds. except im not shining behind the clouds. just hiding. what am i going to do the spring. summer. next fall. this routine of work cannot last till next fall. i need a change. im feeling the need for a change. staying anywhere a year is hard. since the year of 2007 when i came here. im wanting to scoot. im wanting something. more. bigger. quieter. something. i didnt plan this public outing well. forgot my computer charger. and headphones. the transient dance music must suffice. though i would rather be listening to something that inspires me. but i am writing. so maybe it is inspiring me. in some subconscious way.

im making friends. im going out with them at night. sharing drinks. laughs. bar tabs. i like them. and feel a small family forming. around me. in me. its fun. having new conversation. hearing new interests. sharing mine. its happened fast. since weve moved into this apartment. we said this place didnt feel like i place for entertaining. it was more a devoted place for us. when in actuality we have people there. on the floors. surrounding the fireplace that once existed. looking at each other across the room. the room that we have filled with new faces. these new faces bringing us closer to each other. bringing us back to the same bed. the same night. the same dreams overlapping. they bring me back to you. not away.

battery is dying. im off.

lizard.

2010-03-09T23:12:00.002-05:00

i did it. a baby step. i made my deposit for my first doula workshop coming up in april. watch out baby mommas. im making my way. to you. your light. your nature. im really excited about this. a way back to learning. a way back to natural relationships. my child. i cant wait to be in the woods with these women. hearing what they have to teach me. and maybe i can teach them something as well. looking forward to something new for three days. something that could spark an interest. a passion. a direction. ive been wanting to do this for years. so im finally signed up. on the roster.

life is busy. falling into place. spring has blessed us with its presence the past couple days. walks in t-shirts. off leash. a drink on patios. with baxter at my feet. reading in the sun. breathing in the sun. closing my eyes in the sun. its pretty magnificent. this day. the days to come. the pink skies.

had an episode of not being able to listen. last night. rolling in bed. waiting. trying to catch my breath. walking through my halls. waking myself up. talking aloud. to anyone. that could save me from these hours of restlessness. everything i have learned wasnt working. i wasnt using it in the right ways. i see that now. when im clearer. and just as restless. i guess im just trying to say that im having trouble sleeping. when your not here. and that i dont like. i want to be able to rest. in bed. alone. like i did last fall. took myself to bed. every night. where did that go. that strength. the okay of anything happening. i once embodied that. is it still there. what must i do to bring it back. for it to take my hand to the warmth that lies beneath the blankets. the weight of its protection. the knowing that she will be home. and i will be sleeping. and it will be peaceful both ways. i must start now. i dont want my old patterns. i have begun shedding them and i want to continue to shed that skin. its itchy. and uncomfortable.

u.

2010-02-22T13:11:00.002-05:00

this pit on my stomach. this aching. nausea. is it from mucus. lack of movement. settlement. appetite. i havent eaten. nothing tastes good. everything tastes like riccola and elderberry syrup. i hate being sick. makes me anxious that i wont feel well. miss being alive. and active. out of this dark stomach.

18.

2010-02-20T23:38:00.002-05:00

my past few weeks. in pictures. and small words.

kreh mellick.

coming together.

coconut cupcakes. with coffee buttercream frosting.

valentine gift.

valentine dream.

chocolate cupcakes. with fresh strawberry icing.

ragtime.

wifey.

g.

2010-02-18T23:30:00.003-05:00

everytime i log in to blog. i immediately loose the desire to write. so wierd. im going to push through it and give the people what they want. just kidding.

i want to sing the song 99 cups of tea on the wall.

getting sick again. this town is full of snow. wet hair. and sniffily noses.

i want the warmth of the floorboards. the heat from the pipes. to burst in our kitchen and flood the room. though drinking tea is becoming one of those pastimes of mine. i cant wait to switch to ice cream. or a tall sweet tea. its almost march. the month of birthdays. mom. dad. mavis. me. tons of other friends. feeling the pressure to make them all memorable. especially m's. she is 30. or will be 30. and i want her to remember that day. the day. those days. of this time. this age. she wants it to be memorable. i know she does. so i want to commit to something awesome for her. but nothing seems enough. ive been writing about this for days but i cant seem to stop thinking. or planning. or inventing. and then i keep ending up with words on paper. and no real action. its time to get up. and just make a decision. i did today. but im waiting on the okay. so i can tell her. ha. surprises. my favorite. dont snoop around. we live and love in close quarters. everything is easy to find. hard to conceal. stay close to me. and you will be surprised.

paris gave me a tatoo. my first one done at home. by her. it was a bonding moment for sure. and reminiscent as well. i was with her in the january of last year. starting over in california. raiding her territory. obama became president and we drank gluten free beer during the daytime. i had made a huge decision to start living a life for me. selling an old life for a dollar a piece. my new heart packing my car. traveling with the one. and rejuvenating myself in california. then choosing to listen to my gut to stay. becoming committed. a settled woman. and so happy with that decision. a choice to be in love. with her. with asheville. with my new plans of creating a life here. again. better the second time around. i discovered the beauty of letting someone go. to live out something for herself. i found so much beauty in my aloneness. i found myself at times. and strayed far away from myself other times. ending 09 with tons of family around. and a new community of lovely people and giving friends. starting 2010 with you. again. in a new space. another year. committed. clean. sober. fresh. heart nine. i want to remember the year forever. my biggest year of growth. and learning. this year has already exceeded my expectations. cant wait to keep living. fucking motivational.

my hands are numb. and i want you to come home from work. im sure it was busy. and your making more money than me. i need to take something and put myself to bed. i love you.

j.

2010-02-04T16:59:00.002-05:00

things seem to be opening up. this month. maybe just within the past 10 days. i feel something shifting. which i might have said before. and if i did, then fuck it, its shifting again. and i like it. its scaring me. but the fear is something to be tasted. something to be savored. right?

moving day. part 1

2010-02-02T00:53:00.001-05:00

rva.

2010-01-23T08:41:00.003-05:00

sitting at my moms house. in richmond. paris and i traveled down here on thursday because moms was sick. and we couldnt really bear the idea of her aloneness. it was the right move. and we felt good about it. and still do. i like richmond. i miss richmond. there, i said it. driving through the fan yesterday into downtown was so beautiful. i forgot about the architecture. the history. the sidewalks. it felt inspiring. and something i dont get to see everyday. or maybe i can. but im just not choosing to. there is something about the friends here that i miss dearly. i feel a lack of making friends in the western mountains. i have been there almost 2 1/2 years. and i dont have the feeling about the people that i have when i see these old faces. there is something missing. like everyone i meet has a wall between us. that we just cant break through. its just not as clear. or honest. or gritty. i miss that. and i miss the community of friends that i have here. its so good to feel back home with people. instantly. it doesnt matter that i left. or that i dont call. they are here. open arms. honest stories. loving eyes. its something that im missing in asheville. i would like to find it there..

15.

2010-01-19T15:33:00.002-05:00

how do i embody what i am learning?

i signed up to practice yoga for 30 days straight at my local center. and im on day 15. i think? something like that. it has been an intense 15 days. all of it. but i feel more of my frustration. anger. irritability. more than i felt before i think. is this what clarity feels like? before each class i set an intention. mine is usually clarity. is clarity creating this? this is the way i feel and act when i am not listening to something. that something being a plan of action. a person in my life. honesty. im not being honest about something. and i dont know what it is. or maybe thats a lie. there is just so much going on. so many feelings to overanalyze. my ears a tingling. right at the tops. i need to listen. stand tall in my truth. like always. this is the part where i get scared. not listen. let it move through me. and still turn out irritable in the end. same story. same sad story. so what do i need to change? or what do i need to happen? the little voice is jumping. tell it to yell louder. its time to make decisions. for me. this year. the beginning of this year.

i am taught grace.

but i feel chaos.

i am taught still.

but i am stir crazy.

how do i move with these lessons. have i ever moved with these lessons. when will i move with these lessons.

yep.

2010-01-06T18:22:00.003-05:00

so ive been baking. want to see?!

this just rose. preheating the oven as i type. cinnamon currant bread.

up close and personal doughnut.

apple cider doughnuts.

my first pizza from scratch. topped with homemade basil tomato pesto. sliced tomatoes. artichoke hearts. kalamata olives. roasted garlic. shallots. and bacon.

drool.

my gluten filled surprise for m. red velvet cake. or white trash cake. as i like to think of it. but i do like the color.

minus the red velvet cake. all are gluten free. dairy free. i feel proud of my expansion into baking. using yeast. my patience of letting something rise. my adult palette. i am enjoying cooking. actually loving cooking. for you.

in the am.

2009-12-28T14:11:00.003-05:00

have had a smooth morning. went to early yoga class. it was exactly what i needed. i felt myself shaky when i went in. from waking early. from lack of deep sleep. from an active mind. i woke up with it. the on the go mentality. as i sit here in my coat. ready and waiting for paris to get her. it was a perfect class. i am returning a stray dog today. one i found on friday. walking the streets near my house. i asked for her to show up. and she did. i followed her. and she came back home with me. no questions asked. i feel connected to her. in some weird way. paris was feeling the same. we kept her over the weekend because the vet was closed to find out who's she was. so i called the vet and tracked done the owner and called the 17 year old that is keeping her. tulsa is the name we gave her. she lives in the backyard of someones house. chained up. never walked. i told the boy that he needed to walk her. i shared with him the benefits of walking her. the connection that can be made between the two of them. the anxiety that she will let go of because that energy is going out of her legs. his response was that he didnt know that he was supposed to do that. he admitted to not knowing how to care for tulsa. so i asked him if he was up for it? up for the challenge of owing a dog. the time. energy. if not, i reassured him i could find a home that felt more prepared. he asked for me to bring her home. that he wanted to do this. i trust something about his words. they were sincere. and it touched me somewhere. so im taking her home. thanks tulsa. for this experience of sharing.

h.

2009-12-26T16:31:00.001-05:00

when will i believe that its not my fault.

tea.

2009-12-15T19:08:00.003-05:00

words of today. this year. this lifetime.

trust. jealousy.

the two words that i am most attracted to. most drawn to. most left with pondering about after you leave. after they have left. after i shut my door to deal with the marathon they run through my body. why are these words so strong. so powerful. so lasting. i can deal with sadness. it passes. i can deal with the depression. the anxiety. excitement. but these two tend to stay. from year to year. from lover to lover. why?

if i think about them as words they are not as strong. i become an observer in their strength to take over. i can see the motions they move. the routes they take. but how do i become an observer? and how do i release these feelings from me. they are the hardest to release and come back from.

whats the deal.

chai.

2009-12-11T21:57:00.003-05:00

i um... ... ...

drinking hot tea. listening to m play guitar. baking cookies. the kitchen illuminated by christmas lights. pores open from hot springs. throat sore from the cold.

and i complain. how can i. why do i.

"i think im really in love with you. like really in love with you. dont you think that song was pretty? or am i just making a big deal out of it? im getting new strings tomorrow." -m

tami.

2009-12-08T16:20:00.005-05:00

the time is back. to make decisions. figure things out. readjust. reconnect. a lot of re's.
but we're doing it. im doing it. trying. trying hard. harder than most maybe. but the same.
feeling the grey skies taking over my hyperactive mind. the feeling of hibernation and the wanting of warm bones.

"balls arent that hairy though. well, mine arent." -the conversation i just heard in my kitchen.
i love having joey here.

so life is changing. winter is here. snow has come. once. mavis is here. again. back home. i feel more settled. and i little unsettled. thanksgiving came and went. it was perfect. just what i wanted. and i just what i think thanksgiving should be. but i wish my dad was there. we missed him. there were 17 of us. i think? family. new friends. old friends. so much food. almost all gluten free dairy free. it was amazing to have a whole tower of food on one plate. felt full before even eating. getting to see my family and look at mavis' at the same time was special. made me eat slow. and really enjoy the sight of love.

leftovers have left the fridge.
the feelings of christmas have yet to hit me. the anxiety of christmas has begun to hit me.
i want to see christmas lights in my house. a tree. i miss the celebration. the gaudiness of this holiday. all holidays.

sorry i have not written in a while. i just bought a new camera. and a computer. so it will be more often. thats a promise.

here are some pictures. from the past month.

e train.

2009-11-24T16:11:00.003-05:00

been walking the streets of new york today. its been sunshine. and clouds. and cool breezes. quite an improvement from the last visit. i walked alone today. just one more day. my last day. in a way. treated myself to baked goods. photography. and sidewalks. im going to see her again. for the second time in three months. im taking her home tonight. half way to our home in the woods. in a smaller city. it feels good to be here. inspiring. cliche. quieting. this reunion is something i wanted. needed. dreamt of. im so glad (understatement) to be back home. thats what she is. that what we are. almost to the end. then its time for family. food. friends. frolicking. some good f's.

have to pack up. and get on the train. feels like the beginning again.
is this why we like distance?
to relive what this feels like?
or to keep this alive? us alive?

your skin feels good. better than i remember.

12.

2009-11-08T22:37:00.001-05:00

its been a year. where are you?

yep.

2009-11-07T17:54:00.001-05:00

g.

2009-11-07T14:36:00.002-05:00

i have made it through. my week of the flu is passing. slowly. well feels slowly. but i want to say it has passed. and i am still alive. though at times i was doubting my strength to lift my knee. i have been horizontal since last sunday. and now i sit on a chair. at a table. with real clothes on. smelling of soap. not sweat. and im happy to have the windows open. airing out the week of coughs. germs. tears. sounds intense. but it was. for me. it was. i havent really ever been that sick. and it sucked. lots of feelings. coming up. came up. are up. on this table. or tablet. i have two full weeks left of aloneness. of quietness. then love is back. physically. in my everyday. did i accomplish all i wanted to during these three months? did i move through fears. did i find new ones. did i defeat old ones. did i spend enough time in them. did i run from them. did i listen. did i discover new truths. uncover old ones. try new things. meet new people. make new friends. challenge myself. challenge it all. everything. the old. the new. the unknown. did i laugh. like really laugh. was i a good partner. roommate. sister. daughter. friend. coworker. did i move. exercise. eat. learn.

yes.

umm.

2009-10-28T00:07:00.000-04:00

m.

2009-10-27T21:51:00.000-04:00

2009-10-27T11:11:00.000-04:00

n.

2009-10-23T16:27:00.001-04:00

i was going to buy a camera last night. but got denied a best buy credit card. sometimes. many times. i just want to post pictures of my words. but i cant. anyone want to donate some money? i want this. and november 20ish to come. QUICK!

...

2009-10-21T09:17:00.002-04:00

lets catch on.

den.

2009-10-21T08:56:00.003-04:00

to sit and be quiet.

something i feel i didnt learn as a kid. and when i was told to do it. i didnt. i couldnt. and i still feel like i cant. most days. i want to wake up. and feel okay. internally. i want to create a routine in the morning that can bring me back from my dreams. from my habit of planning. from time. i want to be able to wake. eyes open. and feel timeless. without time. without this heavy definition of time. just to be able to move from one thing to the next without thinking of whats to come. because none of us know. and i feel i am weighing heavily on this unknowing arena.

because.

ladder.

2009-10-20T17:53:00.002-04:00

sorry im not keeping up with this. when i go to other blogs and its the same post. and no new ones. i get disappointed. and here i am. doing the same. maybe disappointment is a stretch. lets go with boring. or bored. so its the 20th. and i woke up feeling ecstatic about seeing mavis is almost one month. ONE MONTH! i have begun a countdown. again. and its helping me wake up. and go to sleep every night. i can't wait to see her. really see her. this is the longest stretch for us. three months. not really talking. not seeing. not visiting. we have done it. and beautifully. i might add. so proud of us. and her. and me right now. because i just took out my very first pie. is this a normal pie? no. its not. its my first attempt at a gluten free dough. for the crusts. and i hand picked the apples this afternoon in an orchard about and hour from my house. climbing ladders to get to the top. where i feel the best apples are hiding. close to the sun. i realized how much i love picking things. fresh flowers. fresh blueberries. and now. fresh apples. taking a bite right from the tree. there is something spiritual about being fed right then and there. something so gratifying. and humbling. i was trapped in the twigs today. and so happy. and looking at this pie. smelling the ginger. and cinnamon. and flour. its another level to this happiness. i even kissed the pie before it went into the oven. i loved it right away. and i got to use the vintage rolling pin my mom gave me. she would be so happy to know. ill have to call her. it felt awesome. and old. the way pie making should. mmm. i love this feeling.

life is up and down the past few weeks. in and out of crying. confusion. separation. bonding. all of it. ive been going on like i should. not being great to myself or my dog. but after a phone call this weekend. i got my ass back in shape. walking bax. more than once a day. making sure he knows i love him. baking. writing. listening to music. going to be early. smiling. doing yoga. volunteering. drawing on walls. its so cold here. and with the cold. i got cold. internally. the transition is always hard. for me atleast. this year. no different. just trying to find warmth again. searching hard. high and low. right now its in a pyrex dish.

bizness.

2009-10-09T20:43:00.004-04:00

the weeks are counting down. well they are for me. in my mind. my mind numbers. that no one else really sees. or hears. have i done what i have needed to do? have i accomplished the things that i wanted to accomplish? can she come back and can i still feel a sense of independency and life. that is separate from her. i want to continue doing things without you. i want to still walk alone. somedays. i want us both too. be alone. and come back at the end of the day. and have beautiful things to share. we go all week. not sharing. i love coming back to you. or you coming back to me. because im always here.

im taking a food business class. learning the ropes of starting a business. the legality. the feasibility. can i do this? do i want to do this? how many years is this? this is kind of the first time that i have felt serious about doing something that speaks true to me. and my intention. i didnt think i could make a reality out of something that everyone does. its such a leisure activity in my eyes. can i make a living doing it. can i sell biscuits in a box of four. can i make beautiful pastries for years to come. i think so. but do i want to commit. feels more serious than it needs to feel right now. im in the very. very beginning stages of my dream. i like being here. its where the passion and excitement lies. i told a class of 45 that i was a baker and i wanted to make delicious gluten free. dairy free baked goods. "do you want this to be your primary source of income?" my teacher asked. "well... id like to think that i could live off cookies." cant wait to embark on this journey. i made a list of the things i wanted to accomplish this first year. and the three words that spoke to me were. development. research. and education. thats where i want to be this winter. in a kitchen. over a stove. in books. converting grandmas home ec box full of recipes. i want to do this. and im telling you. right now. that i will get somewhere. with this.

going to see whip it. i hope its good. and i really hope i get to hear your voice before i go to bed.

and i cut my hair off on one side.

crocker.

2009-10-02T17:03:00.002-04:00

my biscuits! good slathered with some local black raspberry jam.

mmm

i also found these pictures when looking for the picture above. and they made me feel as warm as this oven. taken last winter. before or after playing a game of chess. i think im ready for a rematch. and i think im ready for you to come home.

betty.

2009-10-02T16:24:00.001-04:00

im attempting my first biscuit recipe. gluten free. dairy free. biscuits. so excited to watch them rise and not spread. they look beautiful.

wig.

2009-10-01T23:03:00.003-04:00

its getting more infrequent that im writing. on here atleast. always seems to be the case.

in one hour. i will have officially moved to asheville two years ago.

two fucking years. has gone by. minus a few months on the west coast.

i was hiking today and everything reminded me of the first hike i had here. the weather was a bit warmer than it was today. but the trees were familiar. the colors. the things that were completely different was the company. and myself. i began feeling nostalgic the rest of the day. trying to remember the two years that have passed. where i was when i moved here. where i am now. so many changes. so many moves. internally. i called him to say happy two years in this beautiful place. but he didnt seem to care. or want to hear what i had to say. which was expected. and thats ok. i just hope he can sit in the same place as me. and feel happy about making the move here. and is able to see the gifts that have been given to him since hes been here. i know there are some. i hope he can go to that place of gratitude. a place that has nothing to do with me. but with him. and this being the place HE wanted to move to. for so many reasons. he got me here. and for that i wanted to say thank you. he introduced me to so many things. and half the things he doesnt even now about. because our paths have seperated. but this town has opened so many spaces for me. i love living here. now.

the past month has been a coaster. one of the biggest i have ridden. maybe ever. this time of aloneness has turned many faces. and showed me bad days. with the better days. i have been in a place for two weeks of consistent better days. ones i fill with the regularity of work. the unexpectedness of strangers. the openness of what they have to teach me. because they all have something. my last trip to richmond moved somethings within me. such a special time. with you. all of you. they showed me the mirror. and i finally felt the glance back. towards myself. it was rejuvinating. and reminded me of things that i had lost. feelings that i wasnt being true too. i have tried to stay full.

not everything changes. you have people that you can always go back to that can remind you of this. i was taught this lesson recently. and it feels good to trust that some things will always be the way they are. no matter how many years past. we will always have this.

parliament.

2009-09-25T01:46:00.003-04:00

i want to lay here. on my bed. with a cigarette. listen to music. talk about love. with a best friend.

thats just where im at.

its 2am.

v.

2009-09-17T12:04:00.001-04:00

today is not yesterday.

ace.

2009-09-16T13:55:00.002-04:00

finding it hard to sit with myself and think i am an interesting person.

im not bored really. just feel like i have a thumb up my ass. and am out of ideas.

when i havent really even done anything. but watch shows and movies on hulu. i know healing is hard. and i have to be patient. but this type of healing is harder. immobile. sort of insulting. i cant walk my dog. i want to walk my dog. we both need the fresh air. i want to feel the rain that is coming down outside. i want it to touch my ankle. the side of my foot.

going to richmond this weekend. i wrote going home and deleted it. just now. dont know if i feel like its home. but it is. i grew up there. right? gerry is getting married. im excited to see her. and everyone else. i am hoping for a reunion of sorts. i hope to see some faces that i love. that i havent seen in years. and im going to try my best to dance with my gimp. ill have to make up some new moves.

i start french class tonight. really excited about this. new adventure. new learning. hopefully i will learn enough to start me off. i want to go back and be able to speak to people. be more in the culture of it all.

going to the farmers market. and bookstore. got to get out. off this sofa.

its blue. and slightly purple.

urgent care.

2009-09-15T15:53:00.004-04:00

as if i wasnt spending enough time being alone...

i must rest more. and listen more. and spend more time. with myself. in this wrap.

i know why it happened. i know i must slow down. and i will. and ill heal up fast. i know it.

parrot.

2009-09-09T17:01:00.003-04:00

slept for three hours this afternoon. to the sounds of heavy rain and even heavier thunder. it was my meditation cd on repeat. but in real life. so much better than listening to it through my ear buds. i feel drained today. i hope its because i have been going hard. atleast that what roz said. and that made me feel better. and less guilty about being with myself in this slumber. it felt good to lay down after a full meal. and not have to get up for anything. or anyone. except baxter.

it felt good to talk with you last night. it felt good to have a friend with me till the wee hours of the morning. to talk about everything and anything. from serious to light. i loved hearing your stories and feel like i have been wanting to hear them for a while. ever since i met you. we finally had the time. and i feel it was perfect timing. your a special woman. a brave woman. and i admire who you are and what you are facing in your life. dont be scared to uncover and reveal. it might look heavy. but it will cause lightness. and it will be perfect. so glad you were both here. and i got to laugh with your love. you two are making the right move. and i cant wait to hear what adventures you will both find.

taken.

2009-09-05T22:09:00.000-04:00

i feel as though i am sinking into this corner.

im hiding.

parchment paper.

2009-09-03T21:34:00.002-04:00

im sticking to my goal. of baking. two days a week. in this case nights. but ive done it. i came back from vacation wanting to bake. nurturing this desire inside my little sweet tooth. wanting to bring something to the community. my community. that tastes good and is good for you. so i want to be a baker. big deal. but it feels so good. and i love the look on my face while i do it. there is something about being in a kitchen alone. with an apron. and loud music. hot from the oven. and the excitement of doing something you love. man.

this week i have tried out golden carrot macaroons. after tasting them i have a few ideas of how i want them to taste next time. so im excited to have a recipe that i get to make my own. and now i have four minutes left of blueberry corn muffins. went and picked blueberrys yesterday in the woods. and couldnt wait to use them. i have so many more left. they are beautiful. and picking wild blueberries is something i have never done. thats an experience in itself.

i want to commit. to this. this side of me. this little girl love.

camera.

2009-08-31T12:00:00.000-04:00

(500)

2009-08-26T22:07:00.002-04:00

saw 500 days of summer tonight. i have forgotten how much i love seeing movies alone. especially movies like those. that make me come out wanting to love you harder. it had that effect on me. a lesson of learning if love is coincidence. if life is coincidence. or if its more than that. there are believers of many. and i wasnt a believer until it happened. back in november. i get it now. the art of it all. the explanations that will never come. the answers we will never need. it lays in our hands. when the fingers are twisted. and griped. we dont need to be told.

wanting to love you. from here. and feeling like i cant. so i need to figure out how to get this love out of me somehow. in order for me to sleep. i think i have an idea. sleep well under the stars. the same stars. as me.

13 miles.

2009-08-23T21:22:00.002-04:00

i cant help but feel emotional right now. but then again. if you ever read my words. when am i not. maybe its gets heavy for you to read. maybe it doesnt. but its honest. and maybe you're not being honest with yourself.

i am home. from two weeks of up and downs. canoe rides. zip lines. dock conversations. ping pong. family. loves. dc. friends. new york. soul family. subway rides. garbage. walks. you. you. you. im home now. i walked in a few hours ago. and im feeling it. the emptiness of the space. in me. and in the room.

when i reached 13 miles out of asheville i began crying. in the car i have driven twelve hours back home. alone. with my music. my ac. my books on tape. if you knew who i was. you would know that i have never driven this far alone. would have never thought i could ever drive this far alone. not a year ago driving fifteen minutes was hard. i would stay home and not run that errand. or have to pull over to breathe. get my head straight. and finish the short drive to where i was going. i am not great alone. i wasnt great alone. anxiety is an attacking bitch. and it gets me when im alone. it used to get me when i was alone. the thought of this drive provoked my anxiety immeditately. it was the whole point why i wanted to fly there. and back. to avoid the possibility. and the time. in quiet. but i surrendered. fuck you anxiety. i cried. and did it. approaching the mountains and downtown asheville today. i cried. and smiled. and screamed outload. i was proud. so fucking proud of myself. to you this is no big deal. but to me. i had reached something. somewhere. that i never thought i would. or could. i got there. i am here. without it. but unfortionately. without you too. and then i cried for another reason. the reason of walking in a house without you. the back door. opening our door. to a space so intimate. no one knows what has been said inside those walls. but us. we know. and i sat on the bed. and heard all of it. and felt you there. and cried. for you. about you. to you. the similarity with my tears today was that i was proud both times. i was proud for myself. and proud for us. you. and what the hell we are about. this is it. and im so happy about that.

times are changing.

2009-08-17T23:07:00.003-04:00

hit the road tomorrow. the beginning of a journey i do not know. or find familiar. im unsure. scared. and proud. ill need you when i get home. and ill be there. waiting.

summer.

2009-08-07T22:07:00.003-04:00

beauty. illuminated by the streetlight.

selection.

observation.

my truth. lined with a paper cup.

plum.

quiet.

rejoice.

rise in the springtime.

reunited.

jars.

2009-07-31T11:52:00.002-04:00

we are not the story that we tell people. we are not connected to those fables anymore. there comes a point in our aging days where we stop. look around us. and feel disconnected from what we tell people. the way we identify ourselves as humans. as adjectives. as abuse. they are far from our hands. these years are off our fingerprints. they suited us when we were younger. when people would ask us what its like to be in this family. what its like to date those people. what its like to question your truths. what its like to deal with your anxieties. the hits. the bruises. we tell them. in detail what it was. what it meant to us. what it made us. what it left within us.

but when we freeze in these later years. we dont want to tell these stories anymore. sure they make us sound strong. relatable. passionate. hurt. brave. but we are already all those things. without the stories. i do not want to tell my old story. the pages are worn. and the spine of my book is coming unglued. its time to write more. to re-edit. re-structure. re-invent. detach. its time to unravel. time to see what that feels like. time to hear what comes out when i am my own story. the only character. player. whatever you want to call it. i can make new pages. and burn the old ones. but for now. my practice is to put them in a jar. walk away. i can come back if i feel i need to. but for now. they sit in a jar. and i can walk freely without them. lighter.

i must sit in the beauty of knowing that they are stories. that they are not who i really am. or what i really want to create. they have served their purpose. but i do need them anymore. i have learned the moral of the stories. and i must walk. and not put myself in the jar with them.

wood.

2009-07-09T13:49:00.002-04:00

picking up the pieces. of a past. of a day. that i cant forget. that i cant remember clearly. of a time when she was young. adolescent. emptied.

green eggs and ham.

2009-07-01T22:18:00.003-04:00

i am feeling emotional. sitting in the kitchen. its about 1015. the smell of fried ham. im drinking sparkling water with frozen strawberries. thats how we roll here in the 828.

i dont know where i am. but im feeling myself wanting to be revealing and talk about my life struggles. like they are new. like they have new names or a new job. but they dont. its the same regulars. that drink their coffee black. and have a usual. they are predictable and their partners get annoyed when they order the same thing day after day. i am the partner to my struggles. and i wish they would order something new. or maybe the special of the day. it sounds delicious. and when they come in the place they dont even look at the board. they know what they want. but the partner might try to distract them to get them to look at the three offerings that have never been tasted. or seen. or digested. some days they look and snarl. today they order the same. and the plate of food eats them alive. and leaves them with a pitted stomach and a scratched mouth. will they ever order anything different the waitress wonders? she gets bored with this table. after the fifth "ill have the usual" it just gets old. and sour. she quickens their order. so they leave faster. the partner wonders why they get no more refills on their coffee. she walks out when she notices she not getting seconds. the cream has run out.

am i bored with myself. with the incessant mind. with the redundancy of my years. are they redundant? or is that just how i feel them. am i not giving myself credit where credit is due. am i only tipping 10 percent when i deserve 25.

maybe.

etc.

2009-06-13T13:37:00.003-04:00

this is what my spring has looked like. in pictures and small words.

lunches.

music playing. together.

batting cages.

simple reminders.

putt putt.

take out.

patience.

promises.

freedom.